Saturday, 19 September 2009

Mildly embarrassing situation last night in the gents toilets. There was only one cubicle available so I decided that that would be the best cubicle to go into. Once inside I realised that some imbecile had pissed all over the floor rather than into the toilet, presumably as some kind of hilarious joke or something. I dare say it was funny at the time, you knuckleheaded shit. Anyway, disgusting as this kind of thing always is, I could deal with it. After all, I wasn't planning on having a great deal of physical contact with the floor to begin with. I tend to keep any contact I have with the floor strictly through my feet. So, yeah, a minute or so later I leave the cubicle and break into a brisk stride towards the hand basins, when all of a sudden one of the other cubicle doors opens and this guy launches right out in front of me. He didn't even check to see whether the coast was clear. It wasn't. Instinctively I stopped, yet the piss-coated rubber soles of my trainers weren't quite up to the task, and in that terrible moment I realised with horror that I was going down. I was gonna hit the deck. Underneath the urinals and the people standing at them. It was an awful, awful moment.

Luckily the guy who'd stepped out in front of me (&, I feel, caused the whole thing) reached out and grabbed me. Now, I'd never once in my life imagined that there would one day come a time where I'd be thankful to be grabbed by a man in the toilets, but this was certainly that time. I reluctantly said thanks and gave him a little pat on the shoulder then went about the business of washing my hands and getting the fuck out of there. I was well aware of the fact that everybody was watching me... thinking what a drunken idiot I was. It was pretty humiliating. And that's the thing that really annoyed me... that it looked like I practically fell over because I couldn't stand up straight & was absolutely tanked, or whatever... and not because of the fact that I slipped in somebody else's horrible urine because somebody walked right in front of me as I was attempting to get out of the toilets in the quickest possible time. Aaaaaargh.

Three things, pub people... Three things:
  • Don't piss on the floor. It's not funny. You're a twat.
  • Look before you step out of a cubicle.
  • Fuck off.